Something Else

I'm tired. My head, neck, shoulders, back and throat hurt. I am in a slight amount of emotional frenzy. I spent no less than five hours of my day on a bus. Several buses, all of which smelled badly. For some inexplicable reason, I have not been sleeping for more than three hours at a time. I have nowhere to live, nowhere to work, and not a lot of friends. Wow. Read that again. I now feel slightly depressed. But, some good things happened today.


One of them is that I ate a very good, very large piece of pepperoni pizza. Nearly as big as the plate. At Pizza-a-go-go in NE Portland. I don't like the name. I also do not like typing it. But the pizza was delicious. Literally, a smile crossed my lips just now as I typed that, if that tells you anything. See, I am not one of those people that dabs my pizza with a napkin (or three). Honestly, I like my pizza with so much grease that it drips down my fingers while I'm eating it. That was this. Mmmmm. Crackly crust, the perfect ratio of cheese to pepperoni....bliss on an empty stomach. 


Another is that during this time of the unknown, of a sometimes not-so-exciting adventure, of patience, and faith and trial, I am constantly being reminded of who God is. The details of his character. He keeps reminding me that he cares about me and loves me, and that he has unlimited access to all of the resources on earth. This is comforting in a season when I have none. I am also remembering that whenever I want to talk to somebody else about the things that cause me stress, I need to go to him first...he understands me the best. 


The third and final thing is this poem, that was on the bus. I have this thing recently, that I'm not entirely fond of, where I mostly tear up when I read the poems on the bus, and I have to try not to cry. It's been happening for a while now. I want to know where my poetry hating cynicism has gone and why! I still hate rhyming poetry and always will, and there is comfort to be found in that.


"It was the end of something
and so we grew sad
according to how much we'd loved it.
Now, nothing
but our great variety of sadness
and for some,
a seed of instinct suggesting
something else
might eventually begin."


Words make my heart ache when they sound like this.