This Dark Day

Goodness, I am sick of the rain.


I am sick of riding the bus to school every day and having to spend so much time, wasted, in bus stops out in the cold. 


I am sick of reading about sustainable purchasing on the internet until my eyes hurt, and my head hurts and my fingers hurt from twiddling them to keep from passing out due to boredom. 


I am sick of cooking and baking and experimenting with things that don't turn out.


I am sick of emotions. Of being tired all of the time. So tired that my mind is always fuzzy and I can't think things through logically and I wonder what happened to this sharp, intelligent, brain that I had become accustomed to. 


I am sick of the dark days, like this one, where so many negative, bummer things spring into my head and crowd for room, shoving into one another and barking at me in hushed tones until I want to cry only because I do not know what else to do. 


I am sorry to sound so depressing...sorry for you, sorry for me, sorry for the people I affect when I feel this way. 


But, I am thankful for some things today. I am so thankful that if I died right now, I wouldn't go to hell. That's a big one right there. I am thankful for writing. I've read so much today, restaurant reviews, blogs of strangers, blogs of friends, and I love how it lifts my spirits. There is such beauty in being let into a small piece of another persons world. Of seeing a little bit more of that someone. It feel likes being let into the house if you knocked on the door. It feels like the offer of a warm, fresh baked good or a glass of water when the heat's sweltering. And, I love that. Sometimes, when I read, I cry. When I read about food, about photography, about music. I wish I could soak up the beauty, that it would just come seeping out of me in so many millions of small bits of light, making me shine, lighting things up a little more. I feel so weird saying that, like that's not something that people say out loud, but they think it, all the time. 


And I realize that I can actually do this. That I have the ability to soak up these bits of light. That there is such immense beauty just beyond my finger tips and I can nearly reach it, and then, that I can reach it. That it will be contagious to others, that they will feel the pull, it will make their hearts hungry, their souls parched, because of the sustenance they see. There's a reason that Jesus loves me so much, all of us, so much, that he came and proved it to us. And it's not just so I can die and not go to hell. 


It's so that my life can turn from bland to marvelous, so that instead of hiding under an umbrella in the rain, I can call out for my own sunshine.